A Death in the Family (important and long)

[Peter Rowell]

I am certain I will be royally flamed for the cross posting, but
frankly, I don't give a damn.  I am posting to the two comp groups
because even hackers who never come out of the machine room need
to think about this subject.

This article is going to be a little different from what normally
appears in the newgroups I am posting it to.  To be honest, I don't
really know what groups it "belongs" in.  I do know that every person
who is on this net should at least consider what I have to say.  It may
not apply to you (yeah, right), or it may bother you so much that you
don't want to think about it - that is for you to decide.  You can file
this under "Unasked For Advice".  You can flame me.  I do ask you, for
your own sake, to read it.

The subject is the death of a parent - and what comes before and what
comes after.


On January 30th, 1989, my father died.  He was 78 years old and had
been increasingly ill for several years.  That he was to die was part
of the contract we all sign when we are born.  That he was to die soon
was becoming increasingly obvious as his illnesses progressed.  Even
though it was no surprise when he did die, it was a shock - not so much
at the rational level but more at the cellular level.  Those of you who
have been through it do not need it described; those who have not been
through it (yet) cannot have it described.

What I have been doing since then (other than a massive reappraisal of
my priorities) is to make this event as much of a positive thing as I can -
it's my way of coping.  I realize that our family was actually quite
lucky in that my sister is a social worker specializing in geriatrics
(the elderly) and my brother-in-law is an attorney.  Because of this
in-house expertise, certain critical questions were asked before it was
too late to do anything about the answers and certain important actions
were taken that prevented a painful experience from becoming much worse.

If I had to summarize this whole message, it would be:
    "Talk to your parents ...
		while you still can."

This doesn't mean you have to "get to know them" or "become good
buddies with them" or anything else like that.  If you have a good
relationship - great!  But even if things have becomed strained over
the years, there are some things that need to be discussed for
*everyone's* benefit.

The following items are from the viewpoint of the husband dying before the
wife.  The economic considerations probably will be slightly different
in the reverse case.

1.	Long before it is "necessary", have they given any thought about
	the orderly transfer of their estate.  If they have, do *you*
	know how it is setup?  This subject often involves more than a
	simple will.  It is also too complicated to go into here.
	Suffice it to say that if your parents have not spent at least
	an hour with an estate planning attorney, then they (and you)
	are driving down the road with a blind man at the wheel.
	(And, no, I don't care how small their estate is!)
	
	This is not the "kids waiting to inherit when the old folks kick
	off".  Failure to consider this item can turn an emotionally
	devastating event into an economic disaster.  In our case, certain
	monies had been set aside by my father to cover a large, upcoming
	tax liability.  These had been in an account in only his
	name (as opposed to a joint account). If the estate had gone
	into probate (it can happen for reasons you might never suspect),
	my mother quite possibly would have had to make a forced sale
	of her home (where she has lived for 40 years) in order to
	pay the tax man for what was a joint liability.

	I don't know what your parents situation might be - *do you*????


2.	Related to #1.  Your parents may have assets of various types,
	but do they generate a sufficient income stream (month by month
	and particularly in the first few months) to support the
	survivor - particularly your mother?  My parents had a
	respectable "net worth", but there was just one little problem -
	it was almost entirely contained in the value of the house
	and some stock in a small corporation with relatively little
	market for its shares (*mostly* owned by other aunts and
	uncles).  In other words - it was all frozen solid and was
	generating virtually no income at all!  When my father died, so
	did his salary (yes, he was still working at 78 - by choice).
	Only by some very nimble scrambling by my brother-in-law did
	we "fix" things a few days before Dad died.

	I don't know what your parents situation might be - *do you*????


3.	What are your *parent's* (not your) feelings about heroic life
	support efforts?  If you don't *know*, NOW IS THE TIME TO ASK!!
	My father had avoided the subject of death for most of his
	life.  Only because my sister has to deal with it on a daily
	basis in her clinical work did anyone in the family have
	"the guts" to force him to confront the issue and make
	some decisions.  Once presented with a rational list of
	options did my father choose "DNR" == "Do Not Resuscitate".
	This may not be the right option for your parents: the type
	of illness (or accident), their religion, etc. may all play
	a part in the answer.  But you need to ask the question!!!

	One of the nurses in the intensive care ward (who sees death,
	heroic efforts and the results on a daily basis) said that
	if she ever was in bad shape she wanted DNR painted on her
	forehead in big black letters.  Having watched my father
	die slowly over several hours (even without any extra support),
	I understand why.

	I don't know what your parents might want - *do you*????


4.	Related to #3.  Do you (and your parents) know about living
	wills, powers of attorney and durable powers of attorney and
	how they work in YOUR PARENT'S STATE?  Every state is
	different.  Some states have more than one type of living will
	and power of attorney.  If these words sound like gobbledygook
	to you, get thee to a bookstore or an attorney - TODAY!

	Only by having someone (or more than one!) in the family
	*legally* authorized to make such decisions can you be sure
	that some well-meaning(?) doctor (or hospital) does not step
	in and start dictating how people will live and die.


5.	What are your parents wishes for their funeral or memorial service?
	This literally comes under the heading of their "last request".
	My father had only tangentially mentioned (once) that he would
	"like to go out with bagpipes".  Since he was decidedly not
	religious, we had no other idea of what he wanted.  So, damn it,
	he went out with bagpipes! (In retrospect, it was perfect for him.)

	I don't know what your parents might wish - *do you*????


Remember, your parents (or your wife or YOU) can be in perfect health,
non-smoker, non-drinker, steady church-goer, look-both-ways-before-
crossing-the-street, etc., but sooner or later you (and they) are
going to die.  There is absolutely no reason to inflict poor planning
on the survivors.  They are going to feel like several trucks hit them
and they don't need to find out that some "trivial" detail that could
be taken care of "someday" is now sending Mom to live in the poor house.

Even if you don't live in the U.S., I am sure you have parents, and
I am equally sure that questions very similar to these need to be
discussed.

If anyone has any questions, I will be happy to take a shot at them,
BUT I AM NOT AN EXPERT!  The best thing to do is talk to your family
members and get these things out in the open.  Then get good quality
professional (legal/CPA) help in setting up things the way your parents
want them.

P.s.  My sister is working on a checklist of things you need to do when
a family member is dying or has recently died.  When it is ready (in a
couple of months), I would be happy to mail it to interested individuals
(I will post it if there is enough interest).

This isn't fun stuff, but it is real.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter Rowell				peter at thirdi.UUCP
Third Eye Software, Inc.		(415) 321-0967
Menlo Park, CA  94025